standing at the edge of familiar,
paused,
foot held still, midway through step
i & my motion cease.
turning my head,
i pursue
unspoiled light.
turning my head,
i pursue
virginity.
the ragged edge of dirty familiar versus
the trace pure beginnings of the unacquainted
competing.
beckoning.
within - an awaking.
retching, my senses heighten.
a desire to flee nauseates my innards.
numerous championing voices blow blustery confusion.
with foot cased in concrete, i am permanent.
permanently pursuing.
never capturing life as i desire.
never holding newness in gentle embrace.
never to taste sweet surrender
never birthing my now, embryonic dreams.
standing at the edge of familiar, i cease.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Sunday, December 21, 2014
dawn o' day
please stop.
stop.
stop.
don't walk.
don't talk.
don't even look my way.
i cannot.
be.
i can not.
breath.
i c a n n o t
function
any
more.
please
please
please
let
me
go
let
me
go
let me
go.
silence- offer in: tranquility- please lead to: juncture- usher me: peace- graciously serve me:
stillness
night approaches, trembling overtakes my heartbeat.
within
volcanic chasms create shivers of cold. stamina leaves. will diminishes.
glistening and glitter in eyes is no more. i sleep. with no restorative powers, i sleep.
battling vapors of the past. seeking refuge in traumatic visions.
mocking and berating i frigidly wish for dawns light, with understanding that dawn brings nothing.
nothing but opportunity to choose. to choose again. different. opposite - more than prior.
o' dawn of day and dawn of light, i plead. i bow. desperate. raw and torn, my eyes flicker with hope.
hope. hope. hope. to be. to be more than yesterday. to be. simply.
to feel healing drip drop unto bloodied nerves. heartstrings to ooze vile no more.
o' dawn of day. flow o'er me and blow away dirty remnants of yester.
o' dawn of day. flow o'er me . . .
o' dawn of day, newness be mine.
stop.
stop.
don't walk.
don't talk.
don't even look my way.
i cannot.
be.
i can not.
breath.
i c a n n o t
function
any
more.
please
please
please
let
me
go
let
me
go
let me
go.
silence- offer in: tranquility- please lead to: juncture- usher me: peace- graciously serve me:
stillness
night approaches, trembling overtakes my heartbeat.
within
volcanic chasms create shivers of cold. stamina leaves. will diminishes.
glistening and glitter in eyes is no more. i sleep. with no restorative powers, i sleep.
battling vapors of the past. seeking refuge in traumatic visions.
mocking and berating i frigidly wish for dawns light, with understanding that dawn brings nothing.
nothing but opportunity to choose. to choose again. different. opposite - more than prior.
o' dawn of day and dawn of light, i plead. i bow. desperate. raw and torn, my eyes flicker with hope.
hope. hope. hope. to be. to be more than yesterday. to be. simply.
to feel healing drip drop unto bloodied nerves. heartstrings to ooze vile no more.
o' dawn of day. flow o'er me and blow away dirty remnants of yester.
o' dawn of day. flow o'er me . . .
o' dawn of day, newness be mine.
Friday, October 3, 2014
She needed a HERO, so that's what she became
She needed a HERO, so that's what she became!
I read the above quote on social media.
Stopped.
Stared.
Let salty tears fall.
Wiped tears, sat back deeply into brown leather and closed my eyes.
A hero?
A HERO?
A HERO?
Do I need a hero? Yes, I think I do.
YES! I screamed raw and hoarse in the hallows of my mind.
YET:
Have I ever considered becoming that HERO?
Becoming that HERO to me?
hum....
silence.
stillness.
deafening quiet surrounded my thoughts.
the resounding answer echoed, hit the corners of my mind
fell
shattering my composure.
I had NOT considered becoming my own hero
Not until today.
Today.
Look at the woman in the mirror and declare to her:
YOU are my hero.
YOU are my hero.
You ARE MY hero.
Deep breaths.
Slow, cleansing, relaxing and renewing breaths.
Tears fell - still
Smile broke - fresh
Eyes glisten - hope
My baby steps today.
My baby hero steps begin.
Becoming that which I need.
Tomorrow I will step once more until one day, I walk straight into my very own hero.
I walk straight into
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
shrapnel of self
shrapnel
of self
bloodies
as fragments
fall and
shatter
screams
of hurt
betrayal
echo
replicated
on my
steel hard heart.
shrapnel
of self-esteem
of self-worth slouch
trodden
underneath
accusation
trodden
underneath
complaint
my
insides outward
as anger
drains my
energy
regret oozes
taking joy in red tinged drops
bile as
remorse odors my nose
bitterness
seizes as vomit
sadness
spews in short gushes
shrapnel
of self
laying
in
solitaire
sequestered
impounded
repossessed
nothingness
within
nonentity
remains
rest now
o’ my soul
repose
now o’ my spirit
ease and
compose
linger
inactive
till tomorrow
tolerate
now a tranquility wash
accept a composure
recommence
tomorrow
aim
strive seek struggle once more
for a shrapnel
reverse
in
anticipation hope
to
exist
intact
and in healing
live
unabridged
once more.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
7 steps - it is finished- actually I am beginning.
It is finished? No, I am beginning.
step 1 - Acknowledge Faults - Limited up to 15 - DONE (see post from Sept 18, 2014)
step 2 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept. 20, 2014)
step 3 - Acknowledge Talents & Gifts - DONE (see post from Sept. 21, 2014)
step 4 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept 22, 2014)
step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror DONE ( see post from Sept. 25, 2014)
step 6 - Read aloud the Writing in step 5 DONE (TODAY - Sept 26, 2014)
step 7 - Embrace the Woman in the Mirror DONE
Sept. 18, 2014 - 10 days ago, I began a concise seven step self awareness & acceptance exercise. (outlined above) One that has interfered with my thoughts, my activities and emotions as I pledged to look honestly at Suess. Thankfulness overwhelms at those interferences. I now have a concrete landmark upon which I can refer. A landmark that if I heed and act, can give me direction, clarity and assurance. Landmark that I can return to when confused and lost. A landmark of identity and worth. A landmark of Suess.
As women, the rush we call life, blurs our reflection. Demands from family, profession and our culture severely taint the woman in the mirror. My desire with this exercise was to wipe away the smudged prints from my reflection. As fingerprints on a mirror, my 'self' view of who I was born to be, had become distorted & unrecognizable. I was lost and unrecognizable.
With these 7 tasks, I wiped away years of misgiving and self -rejection. I decided out loud to forgive myself for my faults. I declared to my memory, my cells, my very essence the reveal of who I know that I know I am. The 7 steps are not the end. Alas, a new beginning begins with a single step. Cliche as it sounds, it is true. I begin today to be true to me. In love and grace, I choose me.
I am grateful for faults, personality, talents & gifts. I am grateful for the woman in the mirror. I declare to embrace the imperfect, eccentric, loud, loyal, accepting and compassionate writer that I am. Today, a new face lingers in my mirror. She is on a journey. She is imperfectly wonderful.
Thank you for reading along.
If you worked along side me on the 7 steps, applause, applause applause!
Please share with me.
Cheers, hugs & love, Suess
step 1 - Acknowledge Faults - Limited up to 15 - DONE (see post from Sept 18, 2014)
step 2 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept. 20, 2014)
step 3 - Acknowledge Talents & Gifts - DONE (see post from Sept. 21, 2014)
step 4 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept 22, 2014)
step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror DONE ( see post from Sept. 25, 2014)
step 6 - Read aloud the Writing in step 5 DONE (TODAY - Sept 26, 2014)
step 7 - Embrace the Woman in the Mirror DONE
Sept. 18, 2014 - 10 days ago, I began a concise seven step self awareness & acceptance exercise. (outlined above) One that has interfered with my thoughts, my activities and emotions as I pledged to look honestly at Suess. Thankfulness overwhelms at those interferences. I now have a concrete landmark upon which I can refer. A landmark that if I heed and act, can give me direction, clarity and assurance. Landmark that I can return to when confused and lost. A landmark of identity and worth. A landmark of Suess.
As women, the rush we call life, blurs our reflection. Demands from family, profession and our culture severely taint the woman in the mirror. My desire with this exercise was to wipe away the smudged prints from my reflection. As fingerprints on a mirror, my 'self' view of who I was born to be, had become distorted & unrecognizable. I was lost and unrecognizable.
With these 7 tasks, I wiped away years of misgiving and self -rejection. I decided out loud to forgive myself for my faults. I declared to my memory, my cells, my very essence the reveal of who I know that I know I am. The 7 steps are not the end. Alas, a new beginning begins with a single step. Cliche as it sounds, it is true. I begin today to be true to me. In love and grace, I choose me.
I am grateful for faults, personality, talents & gifts. I am grateful for the woman in the mirror. I declare to embrace the imperfect, eccentric, loud, loyal, accepting and compassionate writer that I am. Today, a new face lingers in my mirror. She is on a journey. She is imperfectly wonderful.
Thank you for reading along.
If you worked along side me on the 7 steps, applause, applause applause!
Please share with me.
Cheers, hugs & love, Suess
Friday, September 26, 2014
I am not a photographer. I am not a marketer.
step 1 - Acknowledge Faults - Limited up to 15 - DONE (see post from Sept 18, 2014)
step 2 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept. 20, 2014)
step 3 - Acknowledge Talents & Gifts - DONE (see post from Sept. 21, 2014)
step 4 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept 22, 2014)
step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror DONE ( see post from Sept. 25, 2014)
step 6 - Read aloud the Writing in step 5 DONE (TODAY - Sept 26, 2014)
step 7 - Embrace the Woman in the Mirror
Today, I read silently my letter I wrote yesterday to the woman in the mirror. (Did not follow directions)
I thought I would react.
Perhaps weep
Gasp
Scream
and
then maybe smile.
Nothing.
Nothing registered.
Nothing.
Read it aloud, once more.Twice more. Three times. . . aloud, following the directions.
Amazement...
I did weep, gasp, scream and breath.
I did smile.
All three times.
Literally, Hearing the words my older self of today told my 33 year old self of yesterday, set a myriad of emotions into action.The audible version penetrated my usual stoic shell and ignited unadulterated release. Release into action and I affirmed my dogged decision to do that which I was created to do and that which I am most suited...write & speak.
I am an author & a speaker. I am not a photographer. I am not a marketer. I am not business office staff. I am not a medical receptionist. I am not a minister. I am not a day care teacher.
I am an author & public speaker.
All the other titles, I have lived. All the other titles, have gifted me rich experiences, amazing relationships, cruel pain and opportunities to choose joy. I am thankful for the "I am nots" which I embodied for a time. I am thankful mostly because they led me to the path upon which today, I walk.
Oh how I ache to communicate to other women the truth of acceptance and approval.
I ache to demonstrate to other women that listening to their voice, embracing their uniqueness to live out those whispers which resound inside their mind will lead them to a most fantastical life.
Re READ that last long sentence.
Re READ it again, read it to the woman in the mirror, except put your name in it:
"I ________ ache to demonstrate to you that listening to your voice, embracing your uniqueness to live out those whispers which resound inside your mind and only by heeding that call from within will you be lead into your most fantastical life."
Challenge: Write a letter to your younger self about the future. Encourage her to embrace that which comes and make it part of her journey. READ it aloud and let the powerful truth flow. Let your life begin.
step 2 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept. 20, 2014)
step 3 - Acknowledge Talents & Gifts - DONE (see post from Sept. 21, 2014)
step 4 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept 22, 2014)
step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror DONE ( see post from Sept. 25, 2014)
step 6 - Read aloud the Writing in step 5 DONE (TODAY - Sept 26, 2014)
step 7 - Embrace the Woman in the Mirror
Today, I read silently my letter I wrote yesterday to the woman in the mirror. (Did not follow directions)
I thought I would react.
Perhaps weep
Gasp
Scream
and
then maybe smile.
Nothing.
Nothing registered.
Nothing.
Read it aloud, once more.Twice more. Three times. . . aloud, following the directions.
Amazement...
I did weep, gasp, scream and breath.
I did smile.
All three times.
Literally, Hearing the words my older self of today told my 33 year old self of yesterday, set a myriad of emotions into action.The audible version penetrated my usual stoic shell and ignited unadulterated release. Release into action and I affirmed my dogged decision to do that which I was created to do and that which I am most suited...write & speak.
I am an author & a speaker. I am not a photographer. I am not a marketer. I am not business office staff. I am not a medical receptionist. I am not a minister. I am not a day care teacher.
I am an author & public speaker.
All the other titles, I have lived. All the other titles, have gifted me rich experiences, amazing relationships, cruel pain and opportunities to choose joy. I am thankful for the "I am nots" which I embodied for a time. I am thankful mostly because they led me to the path upon which today, I walk.
Oh how I ache to communicate to other women the truth of acceptance and approval.
I ache to demonstrate to other women that listening to their voice, embracing their uniqueness to live out those whispers which resound inside their mind will lead them to a most fantastical life.
Re READ that last long sentence.
Re READ it again, read it to the woman in the mirror, except put your name in it:
"I ________ ache to demonstrate to you that listening to your voice, embracing your uniqueness to live out those whispers which resound inside your mind and only by heeding that call from within will you be lead into your most fantastical life."
Challenge: Write a letter to your younger self about the future. Encourage her to embrace that which comes and make it part of her journey. READ it aloud and let the powerful truth flow. Let your life begin.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Write to the Woman in the Mirror - A younger version - I chose age 33, the woman I was in 1996.
step 1 - Acknowledge Faults - Limited up to 15 - DONE (see post from Sept 18, 2014)
step 2 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept. 20, 2014)
step 3 - Acknowledge Talents & Gifts - DONE (see post from Sept. 21, 2014)
step 4 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept 22, 2014)
step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror
step 6 - Read aloud the Writing in step 5
step 7 - Embrace the Woman in the Mirror
Step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror - A younger version - I chose age 33, the woman I was in 1996.
Dear Woman in the Mirror,
You don't realize this but in 10 years you will be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It will completely shock you because you will have finally lost 90 pounds. You will no longer be obese. You will also in this time be diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. You will also have a complete ankle replacement. Remember when you were 20, traveled to Norway and Sweden and went snow skiing? Remember falling down the ski slop? That injury eventually killed the ankle bone.
The cancer you will have is called Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) and small lymphocytic lymphoma (SLL). You will hear "treatable but not curable." Your kids will be 13, 14 and 18. You will become very angry and determined to live. You will create relentlessHOPE as your mantra. Since you are reading this, you make it into "non active" disease. Eventually you will gain back all your weight but then lose again 75 pounds. You will adopt a healthy eating pattern of low carb meals consisting of fresh green veggies, whole proteins, lean fish and very little red meat.
Cancer will come and cancer will go. Friends also will come and go. I won't tell you who sticks around and who leaves. You would never, ever ever believe me if I did. You don't know your friends or your family as well as you think. Enjoy who you have for this season...and don't be afraid to let them go. Embrace who comes. Release who leaves.
I can tell you ...that every thing you experienced you will put to use as you move forward in your life. EVERYTHING! I cannot stress enough that fact. Everything: hard, silly, negative, good, productive, interesting, shitty, fun, difficult, painful and joyful. Each element melts, molds and forms into you.
You are an amazing woman. You are a rich & eclectic myriad of experiences. You have been given a voice to encourage and empower. You will use it in ways you cannot imagine. Please listen to her. Listen to that voice you hear when you see that woman in the mirror. LISTEN TO YOU! You know your dreams & desires. You know your heart. Your know your faith and your doubts. I challenge you, dear one to compassionately accept and embrace the woman in the mirror. She is your best friend. She is your guide and your trustworthy companion. She is your lover & she is you.
No one else like her exists in this world. No one is better suited to care for you. Cancer tried to take her from you ...but TADAAAAA!!! You are living proof that living with cancer can be done with joy, with success and of course with relentless HOPE!
Cheers, Suess....from your woman in your mirror.
step 2 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept. 20, 2014)
step 3 - Acknowledge Talents & Gifts - DONE (see post from Sept. 21, 2014)
step 4 - Affirm Personality - DONE (see post from Sept 22, 2014)
step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror
step 6 - Read aloud the Writing in step 5
step 7 - Embrace the Woman in the Mirror
Step 5 - Write to the Woman in the Mirror - A younger version - I chose age 33, the woman I was in 1996.
Dear Woman in the Mirror,
You don't realize this but in 10 years you will be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. It will completely shock you because you will have finally lost 90 pounds. You will no longer be obese. You will also in this time be diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. You will also have a complete ankle replacement. Remember when you were 20, traveled to Norway and Sweden and went snow skiing? Remember falling down the ski slop? That injury eventually killed the ankle bone.
The cancer you will have is called Chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL) and small lymphocytic lymphoma (SLL). You will hear "treatable but not curable." Your kids will be 13, 14 and 18. You will become very angry and determined to live. You will create relentlessHOPE as your mantra. Since you are reading this, you make it into "non active" disease. Eventually you will gain back all your weight but then lose again 75 pounds. You will adopt a healthy eating pattern of low carb meals consisting of fresh green veggies, whole proteins, lean fish and very little red meat.
Cancer will come and cancer will go. Friends also will come and go. I won't tell you who sticks around and who leaves. You would never, ever ever believe me if I did. You don't know your friends or your family as well as you think. Enjoy who you have for this season...and don't be afraid to let them go. Embrace who comes. Release who leaves.
I can tell you ...that every thing you experienced you will put to use as you move forward in your life. EVERYTHING! I cannot stress enough that fact. Everything: hard, silly, negative, good, productive, interesting, shitty, fun, difficult, painful and joyful. Each element melts, molds and forms into you.
You are an amazing woman. You are a rich & eclectic myriad of experiences. You have been given a voice to encourage and empower. You will use it in ways you cannot imagine. Please listen to her. Listen to that voice you hear when you see that woman in the mirror. LISTEN TO YOU! You know your dreams & desires. You know your heart. Your know your faith and your doubts. I challenge you, dear one to compassionately accept and embrace the woman in the mirror. She is your best friend. She is your guide and your trustworthy companion. She is your lover & she is you.
No one else like her exists in this world. No one is better suited to care for you. Cancer tried to take her from you ...but TADAAAAA!!! You are living proof that living with cancer can be done with joy, with success and of course with relentless HOPE!
Cheers, Suess....from your woman in your mirror.
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