I feel pressure to perform.
Pressure to always be optimistic. To not be afraid. To not worry.
I wish I could just fall apart. Fall down. Fall and bleed my pain away. No one should be surprised.
I am weak. I don't have all the answers.

What I do have is joy and hope.

But

I choose my joy each and every day. I choose to see life as a gift. A possibility. A optimistic journey of hope. Hope. More hope exists within us then troubles exists on the outside.
Relentless hope. everyday, I choose. Choose. I choose to have hope. ALWAYS always AlWaYs aLwAyS.

 I  C.H.O.O.S.E.

hope and joy. joy and hope.

Yet.

Yet.

Yet.

Some days.

some

days

i

can

not

hold

up

my

head.

my

eyes

grow

tired.

my voice silent. my fear. my worry. my needs. LOOM large. LOOM larger than my joy & hope.

I

sit.

In silence.

My eyes

closed.

My voice stilled.

My heart beats.
My breath moves.
My blood flows.
My spirit fears.
My soul shudders.

joy
and
hope
stand in
the far far far far far far far far distance. and laugh.

mocking.
taunting.
teasing.

not in meanness or cruelty.
but
challenging me
stirring me
desiring me
to FiGhT
to fIgHt
to fffiiiggghhhttt!

stand up
stand up
stand up
and
fight
fight
fight.

with knees bloodied
i gasp for air.
i raise my head.
one knee down and one foot down.
one knee bent and then one foot planted firmly.
then i squat.
and look
away.
away over the distant.
and
I choose.
by an act of
my
will, i WILL
hope and joy to
move.
to move closer to me.

My will.
my Will.
drying the blood from my knee.
wiping my tears.
I stand.
Shaking, trembling, fragile.
I stand
 and motion to hope & joy.
Opening my arms, I allow a smile to break the grimace of my mouth.
Opening my arms, I stumble forward.
Opening my arms, I stagger  . . .
Beckoning to hope & joy,  I fall. I stand. I step. I trip. I stand again. My balance is off.
I hit the ground one more time.
Weak and trembling.

My heart beats.
My breath moves.
My blood flows.
My spirit budding,
My soul awakens.

Once more, I choose.
I choose strong.
I choose courage.
I choose joy.
I choose hope.

The sweet smell of hope wafts over my face as
the refreshing caress of joy envelopes.
Surrender overwhelms.
I feel relief coming.
Strength growing.
A familiar stirring within comforts me. Peace like fog wraps the corners of my mind.
Tranquility.
Serenity.
with the ever desired hope and joy snuggled close.

My smile broadens.
My laugh brews.
My shoulders ready.
My heart beats.
My breath moves.
My blood flows.
My spirit alive.
My soul soars.
I stand ready to face tomorrow
head-on
with the Joy of Living intertwined with Relentless Hope.

thankfulness and hope

The phone rings . . . caller ID says ‘unknown.' Dilemma: Answer, Ignore or screen the message?  Having a new business I should answer as every ring could mean a new client. Preoccupied and focused on a work task, I hesitated and every ring brought interruption.       

     

You know you’ve been there.  Involved in an activity enjoying yourself and the desire to stop is edged with a slight frustration. 

I found myself recently, looking at the phone. Cradled in my hand, I hit answer.   

“Hello?” Static was my reward. No answer. “Hello?” Unable to hear a response,

I hung up. The phone rang again. “Hello?” More static. Hang up. Then a text message flows . . .“it’s Sam, call me.”

Sam?? OHH, Sambo! A friend of decades but a friend I have not spoken with in over a year. I‘ve stalked her on Facebook periodically over the months however, and thought about calling her numerous times. 

     

I punched redial and heard, static! Frustrated now with cell phones and totally out of focus from what I had been doing, I sat the phone on the desk and stared at it. Magically it rang! I shook my head, smiled and answered, “Hello?”

“Suess, it’s Sam!“ YAY! At last, we connected! “Sam! Hey, girl, what’s going on?”

     

For the next hour, we chatted about children, jobs, husbands, the 2011 Missouri tornado and its horrific aftermath, cancer, remission, trips taken and hope for the future. We bantered. We laughed. We interrupted each other. We listened. We spoke from the heart. We renewed our friendship . . . as we’ve done every year for decades.

We landed hard on the topic of hope. Hope for a different future for each of us. Hope that overcomes the yucky, hard stuff in life. Sam looks forward to deep changes in her life in the upcoming year. I am hoping that much changes in my life this next year.

Sam said that in the Missouri area where she lives, suicides rose drastically after the widespread tornado leveled whole towns. Residents, despairing after losing their material possessions and grieving the loss of family and friends, gave up hope and took their own life. That tragic fact staggered me. Thinking about the hard times I have experienced, I felt tears springing to the edges of my eyes. Suicide? Why? Why add even more hurt, sadness and pain? Why? 

    

I have looked at each of my children as the huddled by death’s door as infants.  I have looked at cancer and seen it’s lumpy masses under my own skin. I have looked at depression as it violently warred within family members.  Yet, I never once thought the answer was suicide. For me, my life’s mantra has been relentless hope. Hope that endures empowers and encourages. Hope that overcomes, overachieves and overextends. Relentless hope for all of life.

I wondered what Sam believed. I asked aloud …”what makes the difference, do you think between those that have hope and those that lose hope?”

“Thankfulness. From what I have seen, the people who are the most thankful possess the most hope,” she responded as one who witnessed much.

I think she is right. Cultivating thankfulness can be learned. Thankful for the air we breath, thankful for the sunrise. Thankful each morning presents a new day. Thankful we exist. Thankful the experiences were not worse. Thankful the bad part has past. Thankful for the past. Thankful for the future. Thankful we can try again. 

Thankful for . . . memories, dreams, wants, desires, opportunity, possibility. Being thankful increases our hope tenfold. Thankfulness does not diminish or ignore the hard, sad, senseless tragedy that we experienced but thankfulness can make life worth living.  Tornado's wrecked pure hell on Missouri.  My sick babies, each fought for their life. Cancer loiters in my DNA waiting to reemerge.  

     YET I CLING to RELENTLESS HOPE! 

HOPE that better days are ahead. Stubbornly and steadfastly, I hang onto Hope.      I hope that joy will return, that kids will grow up, that houses can be rebuilt, that cancer stays in remission, and that life will return. 

Life may return differently than before but life will go on.

No matter what happens, I refuse to give up my Hope.

That interrupting phone call lingers in the corners of my mind. For days, I’ve thought about our exchange.  Smiling when I think of her, I marvel how we’ve hung onto threads of a relationship for almost thirty years.  And I hope…hope that we hang onto each other a little closer this year so when my phone rings again, I jump to answer!

Thankfulness and Hope...do you have 'em?

my new life . . .

     (fair warning: i challenged myself to write differently than normal. prepare yourself to be surprised. )    

     Stepping out into the open ocean, i paused. silently, i stood. watching. waiting. preparing. listening,   i breathed the clean, crisp air. closing my eyes, i felt the energy of the ocean waves ironically pound life into my cells. i heard the swooshing of the tides, the bubbling of the water split open upon the greying driftwood. slipping off my leather sandals, tossing them upon the shell strewn beach, tickling streams of salt water rushed between my toes. cold water. a slight side step made me giggle. eyes still shut, i stopped. letting my senses catch up to my soul, i filled my lungs to capacity and ever so slowly released. again and again, the simple act of breathing relaxed. a simple act. remembering the cliche', "air goes in, air goes out & blood goes round and round",  i smiled slightly at the thought that life could so easily be reduced to twelve small words.

     concentrating on sounds, i let my breaths fall naturally. hearing seagulls laugh, the pelicans plopping into the waters surface, the wind blow crackling through the trees and the continually surf break, i stepped further into the water. the ocean flowed moderately calm today. thankful for its tranquility, i ventured onward. accustomed to the cold flow, my toes no longer curled under. wiggling my feet, the shells below the sands surface scratched but the ocean floor leveled.  stepping further out away from beach, forced my eyes open. small shivers caused by the splashing of sea salted water coursed through my back. the water rose up, flowing over my knees, surrounding my thighs. into my sensitive groin and my hips, the water seem colder. instinctively, i tiptoed for several moments allowing my body to acclimate. 

     the water rose higher. i turned from the shore and faced the glistening ocean. waist high water and with mouth now open, i could taste the salt drops. trickles of salt ran down my face. peace began flowing through my veins as strongly as the tide. the water. always rising, the water cascaded down my neck and caressed my chin. i stood as still as i could and turned completely around…for one last view from my ocean grave.

    rotating, i committed to memory the dancing colors of blues, greens, whites, grays, blacks, tans. i gazed fiercely at each branch on the standing trees and nodded in understanding toward each dead drift wood scrap. clicking to the ever present birds, i longed to join their carefree flight. 

     facing now the open water, i knew the true end. the water rushed into my mouth and again instinct coughed. ignoring the natural urge to flail, i with a deeper determination, willed my mouth and nose to accept the salty brine. my eyes filled with a clouded veil. my hair slung round in the waves.                      no one on shore could see me. no one on shore could save me. 

engulfed, transfixed and surrounded, my beloved ocean embraced me fully. 

for a brief moment, my eyes glanced upward and saw the light. the bright, warm, welcoming light of death. the serenity of the after-life called my name.                                                                                         i raised my head and called a greeting to death . . . "i am coming. i am coming. i am coming."

 and with that gesture,  

   acceptance and desire to be one with the timeless ocean body 

overflowed my lungs. my heart. my brain. 

no fight ensued. 

no breath

no heart beat.

no wave of thought. 

only sweet peace rushing in. 

only release rushing out.

Stepping into the openness of nothingness, i paused. silently, i stood. watching. waiting. preparing.  listening as the angels sang. 

my new life began. 

i will choose for this one day to live in forgiveness so that i might heal.

look in the mirror.

smile.

laugh.

open your eyes to the beauty that peers back.

open your heart as your mouth reads:

"my journey is not over. 

life is my journey. 

i can choose today to smile. 

i can choose for this minute to began a 'do-over' toward my goal.

i am not perfect but i am beautiful. 

i am not in shape but i am worthy. 

i am not in control every moment but i am valuable. 

i am needed. i am wanted. i am loved. 

i forgive myself for not believing i am beautiful.

i forgive myself for not thinking i need.

i acknowledge that i need to rest, to relax, to play, to laugh, to sleep

i choose today to be involved with my life in a different way than yesterday. 

today, i will slow down. 

i will respond and refuse to react in anger. 

i will for this one day, choose to forgive. 

even if i am in the right to be angry, having earned the right to hate, 

i will choose 

for this one day to live in forgiveness so that i might heal." 

are you perfect?

no.

are you exactly how you want to be?

no.

do you like yourself?

probably not as much as you should. 

are you in the best physical shape you could be? 

are you in the best emotionally shape?

are you in the best spiritual shape?

mental shape?

are you in any shape?

if you are honest, the answers to the above questions prove that life is a journey. 

you are in progress. 

process.

on the way. 

not arrived. 

not finished.

under constructions.

whether you are 18 or 88, if you are breathing, then you are involved with

  this journey called life. 

what are your needs? wildly varied as the unique people we are!

curb your temper

quit yelling

begin exercise

admit to alcoholism, binge eating, harming your body with razors

admit to harming your body with food

spend less money on impulse

walk daily

take your medicine as directed

confess your addiction to porn, sex, cigarettes, gossip, to criticizing the journey of others…. 

acknowledge your mistakes

listen when a loved one calls to talk

forgive others

forgive yourself

forgive yourself for not forgiving others.

Today, look in the mirror and read my words.

Read them out loud. Read them slowly. Read with intent.

Read them with purpose. 

Read the words with meaning…and if tears rise up, allow the tears to flow down. 

healing is oft times found in the form of tears.

"my journey is not over. 

my journey is not over. 

life is my journey. 

i choose today to smile. 

i choose for this minute to began a 'do-over' toward my goal.

i am not perfect but i am beautiful. 

i am not in shape but i am worthy. 

i am not in control every moment but i am valuable. 

i am needed. i am wanted. i am loved. 

i forgive myself for not believing i am beautiful.

i forgive myself for not thinking i need.

i acknowledge that i need to rest, to relax, to play, to laugh, to sleep

i choose today to be involved with my life in a different way than yesterday. 

i will slow down. 

i will respond and refuse to react  in anger. 

i will for this one day, choose to forgive. 

even if i am in the right to be angry, having earned the right to hate, 

i will choose 

for this one day to live in forgiveness so that i might heal. 

i will, today.

today, i will. 

the journey of my life continues. 

begins again

today. 

and 

today i begin again the beautiful journey of my life." 

Dichotomy of Motherhood

watching you walk away, i felt my heart stop.  

i made no sound, so that you might never know how                                                                              each short breath inhaled my lungs with pain.      

watching you walk away, tears flowed as the space                                                                           between us grew.
watching you walk away, i silently closed my eyes                                                                                       and watched memories flood my mind.
how can i say all that is in my heart?
a scream rises unspoken: when o when will i see you again?

from helpless infant to grown adult. in a flash. you were here                                                                         and in a flash you were not.

a hug, a kiss, a whispered "I love you!" and then nothing

the form of your body shadowed on the sidewalk.
the form of your smile traced in my eyes.
the form of your laugh etched in my ears.
the emptiness in my heart booms.
the void of your leaving lingers on and on.

i wanted you to go, amazingly.
i desire for you to pursue your dreams
i want you to go, ironically.
i am proud of you for going away and living your life even as
i desperately wish that you were living                                                                                                      your life right next door to mine.

because i love you i want you to go.

life demands dichotomy.
a  mother's love offers harmony.

i love you my child so... go in peace and live with all my love & blessings.

Nothing seems like it is…nothing is like it should be…nothing lasts and everything/everyone goes away.

"Nothing seems like it is…nothing is like it should be…

nothing lasts and everything/everyone goes away." 

Seems appropriate for a new years' post.

Seems appropriate for an everyday post.

What do you think when you read that little quote? …"Nothing seems like it is…nothing is like it should be…nothing lasts and everything/everyone goes away. "

In your mind what is happening? Conjuring images of decay? Destruction? Remodeling? Starting anew? Reconstruction?

I know that some will respond with: the love of god lasts, the true love of a soul mate lasts, the "beloved-ness" of a four legged fur baby lasts, the security of financial stability lasts, memories tucked into the recess of our mind last….

Yet

I know others that could respond to those true statements with an equally true and valid: until god becomes silent, that true love wanders, the fur baby succumbs to disease, the financial floor drops, and the mind loses the ability to recall memories. 


My thought today revolves around images of endurance. Perseverance and permanence.

My thought today illuminates that fragility of life.

Nothing…nothing that I can imagine endures.

No building, though well structured and engineered, endures forever.  Yes, many edifices last centuries. I've been to Europe, strolled centuries old church aisles teeming with stories, spirits and fingerprints of the ancients.

No relationship maintains forever. Intensity and ease balance out with an ebb and flow. Knicks and dents of anger, hurts and forgiveness leave tender healing spots. Eventually one partner dies and the union breaks. Memories, children, photos and endeavors of the union last but for a time.

Spiritualness transfers much of our resilience to an outer worldly entity. That transfer concretely aids in our ability to withstand the toss and tumble of our world. If one accesses his or her spirit lifeblood, then much of living is buffered. Hope for an after life, unseen support through crisis and emotional connections often times comfort and guide a person. Yet that too, upon death is broken in the world of the living. What in actuality transpires in the land of the dead, no one living truly fully knows. Yes, I believe in the reported glimpses of an after life that few have journeyed back to reveal. But a glimpse does not encompass all facets.

My thought today, with questions overflowing, illuminates the fragility of living.

Why spend our time while living in anything but that which brings joy and peace?
Why spend our time while living in anything but that which fulfills?
Why spend our life while we have time with anyone that robs our tranquility?
Why spend our life while we have time with pursuits which once completed leave un-fullfillment?
Why spend precious moments in selfish anger?
Why spend precious moments in silent disarray?
Why transfer our loyalty to those who do not return loyalty?
Why transfer our passion to those who do not respect passion?

Why live as if life equals forever?

Life, a gift once birthed fragile and fleeting, might better be treated as treasure.
Life, a gift once birthed exists fragile fleeting and at best purely treasured.

Life…YOUR life exists today because lungs are breathing.
Life…YOUR life exists today because heart is beating.
Life. . . YOUR life exists today because blood flows.

With WHAT will your life today reflect?
With WHAT will your tomorrow glisten?

All possibilities:

life giving peace?

strangling turmoil?

multiple layers of discord?

belly laughter?

unwavering passion?

senseless wastefulness?

positive preservation of self?

determined decisions toward change?

joys of strangers' smiles?

smoothness of babies hands?

a health walk toward physical freedom?

a dream created into tangible reality?

a 'nothing-held-back' dance?

energy draining job?

useless worry and drama?

strident steps toward contentment?

To answer The Question "what reflection, what 2014 glistening will be YOUR life?" pries at our soul's locked doors of restraint and for answers, begs.

To answer The Question "what reflection, what 2014 glistening will be YOUR life?" brushes tarnished locks of fear and allows courage peeks toward light.

Take a moment for yourself, look into the mirror of your spirit and ponder:

what reflection, what 2014 glistening will be YOUR life?

but I do more than simply question,

I challenge you to answer.