Thursday, October 20, 2016

What were you doing in 2006?

What were you doing in 2006?  In the afternoon of Thursday Oct. 20, 2006? Do you remember? I do. Distinctly and in detail. After finding a lump under my arm that morning, I was hearing from my local physician, for the very first time . . . “I think you have cancer.” Life Before Cancer ended on Oct. 20, 2006

On Friday Oct. 21, 2006, the biopsied lump was whisked away to a lab for testing leaving me to wait till Monday, Oct. 24, 2006 when I heard, “ Stage 4. Small Lymphocytic Lymphoma / Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia.( SLL/CLL )  Stage 4!! Eleven days later, on Nov. 6, I began a two and half year regime of chemotherapy. I was told with the blood markers I had, that 5 -7 years was a good prognosis of my life. This cancer is dogged and persistent. It is ‘treatable but not curable’ . . . says the experts.  Every day of my life, I choose life, joy and hope. relentlessHOPE -that is my mantra. Hope that is more dogged, more persistent and more tenacious then CLL/SLL. I have now been in remission since 2007 . . .  many wonderful, amazing, memorable experiences since that day in 2006 . . . as a then 43 year-old woman, I still had three teenagers at home. So much of life ahead.  Life now is A.C. After Cancer. . . regular scans convince me cancer is not yet within my body. Life beckons and I answer…yes. Whatever is life’s question…my answer is yes. 

Saturday, March 19, 2016

IF this were page 1 of Chapter 1 of a book - would you read any further? . . . . . . . . . "The car veered, shimmied the curve, shattered a stash of hidden beer bottles and tore through the neglected weeds. Gravel flew out from the wheels and Giselle screamed. A scream so visceral, it sliced through the growing darkness and would have pierced a listener’s ears. Giselle was alone. No one to hear. No one to warn. No one to comfort. Her black Carrera accelerated as her foot fell heavily. Her tears, her screams, her fears accelerated simultaneously.
The salty tears clouded her vision and the soft shoulder threatened to send the car into a tailspin to match her out of control emotions. How could she process the news? The horrible news. Tragedy etched her life and she uttered a constant stream of guttural screams of grief.
She would have stopped. Normally, she would never have gone forward. Giselle never saw him. Never knew what hit the Porsche. Absolutely, never saw the bearded father of four hiking alongside the road. His minivan stood overheated fifty feet behind. Only days later, when the uniformed policewoman crisscrossed the parking lot to accost her, would she learn of her new status. Wanted. Wanted for manslaughter. Giselle wondered if anyone would care. . . if anyone would notice her absence.
One death in a week was adequate, thought Giselle yet two murders in a week was too much for her mind to comprehend. She gripped the black pen as the desk officer droned about police procedures. Giselle noticed for the first time, her blood tinged shirt, the jagged cut over a bruised, swollen knee and her hands shook as she handed the officer the pen. She turned on one foot, careful to protect her knee, and heard a woman’s voice echoing jarring screams of distress. “Giselle! Giselle! Why? Why did you kill our baby? Jonathan! Jonathan is dead. Dead. Because of you.“
Giselle looked blankly at the crying woman in a blue cotton boat shirt, her mind searching madly for a strain of recognition. A memory never surfaced. She continued to stare. Willing her eyes to meet the raging mad woman, now restrained by two police officers, Giselle registered no emotion. No tears. No voice. No noises escaped her throat. Her only motion was to reach into her back jean pocket, stealthily slip out a silver razor blade and in one cat-like movement, slice through her own stone white flesh. The blade flowed crimson as her neck pulsated. The slashed skin parted as a virginal sacrifice and her clean hands dripped with her blood.
Registering another voice, another scream, another cry of despair, Giselle ear’s told her mind that these screams now belonged to her. Giselle saw the blue boat shirt woman jump over a metal desk chair, throw an officer aside and as she grabbed Giselle, she kissed her check, screaming. The women fell; the hard cold office floor embraced them as her eyes flowed fresh tears.
Giselle fainted, her head and chest, obscured by blood and the strange woman sat to the side, head down, muttering, “ why, Giselle, why?” as the paramedics walked around the blood stains. "

. . . whispers in my ear: choose joy. be kind. compromise. stand strong. receive help. offer forgiveness. screams within: stay angry. go first. demand. look down. go away. refuse relationship. 

TODAY: may i, as i listen with my heart centered on the way of peace find the path that leads me into tranquility and ease. 

may i, as i refute turmoil and confusion, release tension and conflict. 

may i, as i allow grace to manifest in my life - turn to you and share with you that which heals me. 

may you as well begin a journey into your healing. 

O', that we both may share. O' may whispers in ears transform screams into peace.
The words swirling in my mind as the sun arches over the palm trees, as the clouds dance through the horizon and the birds play my melody: relax, beloveds. 

nothing is going to happen today to you that cannot be deciphered, eventually. 

tragedy may befall...i know.
sadness may ebb. . . i understand. 
confusion may settle...i've been there. 
yet. yet. yet. walk forward. breath in. breath out. 

settle for simple. strive for calm. aim for easy. 

take those three hard steps and fall back two. get up and take another step. or two. and reach out for peace. peace. 

peace: that small whisper in the back of your heart, that ever so tender urging in the struggle to face one more day. one more hour. one more minute. 

i know it can be rough...i also know when you, when i - relax, breath and move. 

ever so slowly, i ( you ) warner a bit more strength that makes the tomorrow's easier than the today's. relax beloveds....let your breathing in and breathing out bring you comfort and courage. . . let your steps today, small though they might possibly be, be steady. 

relax, beloveds, you are not alone. i too am with you in this journey. . . and together when we as people walk forward, so walk we all.

breathe beloveds, breathe.
. . . .no one deserves to be rejected, verbally harassed, or neglected. 

today may i embrace the woman in my mirror. 

may i care for myself as i would care for you. 

may i speak encouragement, support and love to her. 
today i silence the harsh self criticism, the sabotage of self doubt and the viciousness of critique. 

today, that woman in the mirror?

 i love her and will actively let her know she is beloved!!