Stepping out into the open ocean, i paused. silently, i stood. watching. waiting. preparing. listening, i breathed the clean, crisp air. closing my eyes, i felt the energy of the ocean waves ironically pound life into my cells. i heard the swooshing of the tides, the bubbling of the water split open upon the greying driftwood. slipping off my leather sandals, tossing them upon the shell strewn beach, tickling streams of salt water rushed between my toes. cold water. a slight side step made me giggle. eyes still shut, i stopped. letting my senses catch up to my soul, i filled my lungs to capacity and ever so slowly released. again and again, the simple act of breathing relaxed. a simple act. remembering the cliche', "air goes in, air goes out & blood goes round and round", i smiled slightly at the thought that life could so easily be reduced to twelve small words.
concentrating on sounds, i let my breaths fall naturally. hearing seagulls laugh, the pelicans plopping into the waters surface, the wind blow crackling through the trees and the continually surf break, i stepped further into the water. the ocean flowed moderately calm today. thankful for its tranquility, i ventured onward. accustomed to the cold flow, my toes no longer curled under. wiggling my feet, the shells below the sands surface scratched but the ocean floor leveled. stepping further out away from beach, forced my eyes open. small shivers caused by the splashing of sea salted water coursed through my back. the water rose up, flowing over my knees, surrounding my thighs. into my sensitive groin and my hips, the water seem colder. instinctively, i tiptoed for several moments allowing my body to acclimate.
the water rose higher. i turned from the shore and faced the glistening ocean. waist high water and with mouth now open, i could taste the salt drops. trickles of salt ran down my face. peace began flowing through my veins as strongly as the tide. the water. always rising, the water cascaded down my neck and caressed my chin. i stood as still as i could and turned completely around…for one last view from my ocean grave.
rotating, i committed to memory the dancing colors of blues, greens, whites, grays, blacks, tans. i gazed fiercely at each branch on the standing trees and nodded in understanding toward each dead drift wood scrap. clicking to the ever present birds, i longed to join their carefree flight.
facing now the open water, i knew the true end. the water rushed into my mouth and again instinct coughed. ignoring the natural urge to flail, i with a deeper determination, willed my mouth and nose to accept the salty brine. my eyes filled with a clouded veil. my hair slung round in the waves. no one on shore could see me. no one on shore could save me.
engulfed, transfixed and surrounded, my beloved ocean embraced me fully.
for a brief moment, my eyes glanced upward and saw the light. the bright, warm, welcoming light of death. the serenity of the after-life called my name. i raised my head and called a greeting to death . . . "i am coming. i am coming. i am coming."
and with that gesture,
acceptance and desire to be one with the timeless ocean body
overflowed my lungs. my heart. my brain.
no fight ensued.
no breath
no heart beat.
no wave of thought.
only sweet peace rushing in.
only release rushing out.
Stepping into the openness of nothingness, i paused. silently, i stood. watching. waiting. preparing. listening as the angels sang.
my new life began.
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